Genesis 6:5-8, They're Talking About Me!

Yahweh realized that everyone in the world was really pretty fucking wicked. All they ever did was think up evil shit all day, every day. And worse, they were probably saying bad things about him, too.

Yahweh knew he wasn't perfect, but he was learning. And one thing he knew for sure is that he was truly sorry he ever made mankind and placed him on the earth. The whole thing gnawed away at his perpetually beating, self-created heart.

So Yahweh said, "I will blot out from the face earth everyone I have created! You know what? Fuck it, I'm gonna kill all the people and all the animals! Who knows what those nasty animals are thinking? Whatever it is, I'm sure it's evil, too. In fact, I'm gonna kill all the people and all the animals and all the creepy-crawly things and all the birds in the heavens. I'm sorry that I ever made any of them!"

Except, of course, for Noah. Yahweh had a weakness for Noah. Noah was no Utnapishtim, but he was generally good. Especially considering the rest of mankind was so fucking evil.

Would it be that big of a deal to spare just Noah?

(Actual) Christian Dictionary: atheism

Here's another definition by Paster James L. Melton. Frankly, I don't think I could have done a better satire myself. Then again, this guy's serious.

Brother Melton (right)

Atheism is the false and very foolish belief that there is no God (Psa. 14:1; Rom. 1:20). Like agnostics, most atheists have been educated beyond their intelligence.

(Actual) Christian Dictionary: agnostic

This is an actual definition by Paster James L. Melton:

"Bro. Spurgeon &
Bro. Melton, Spring 2007"

An agnostic is a person who takes a position of uncertainty toward God and the Bible. These people have no real convictions, for they know nothing for sure. Most agnostics have had more education than the rest of us, and they usually have a rather high opinion of themselves and their "open-mindedness." In Acts 17:22-23, the Apostle Paul addressed some agnostics at Athens who had erected an alter to "THE UNKNOWN GOD." Paul said they were "too superstitious." 

Christianity is not a religion of uncertainty. We have an absolute Final Authority with absolute answers. For example, see John 14:6, Job 19:25, II Timothy 1:12, I Peter 1:18, and I John 5:13.

I have just a few comments...

Mark 2:13-17, Tax Collectors and Sinners

Levi. Or maybe Matthew. Whatever.

Jesus went out again beside the sea. That guy had a thing for the sea. So, as usual, the whole crowd gathered around him. So he taught them. Probably Creation Science.

As he was walking along, he saw Levi son of Alphaeus sitting at the tax booth. Jesus said to Levi, "Follow me." Being kind of a drifter, Levi said to himself, "What the hell, why not?" And he got up and followed Jesus. When Alphaeus heard that Levi just quit his job, he was not surprised. "That stupid Levi," he thought, "He'll never amount to anything."

As Jesus sat at dinner in Levi's (dad's) house, many tax collectors and sinners were also sitting with Jesus and his disciples. You see, there were many who followed him. They didn't all just walk out on their job like Levi, either. Most of them kept on tax collecting and sinning.

When the scribes of the Pharisees saw that Jesus was eating with sinners and tax collectors, they asked his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?"

Jesus's disciples had no idea what in the world had been going on, so they told Jesus what the scribes said. He said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a doctor. Those who are sick do. I have come to call not the righteous. I've come to call sinners. Oh, and tax collectors, too. And fishermen, I guess, if you think about it."

This really just confused the disciples further, for until then they thought the scribes, Pharisees, and Sadducees were as evil as any common tax collector. Or sinner. Oh well. They had much to learn.

Anyway, Levi was never heard from again.^a "Surprise, surprise," thought Alphaeus.

---
a. Except maybe in Matthew. That guy keeps stealing my stuff. Yeah, sure, like changing the name Levi to Matthew is going to cover up his plagiari-sin.

Pop Quiz! Question 1: How many US citizens are godless?

Answer: All of them!

One man's scripture is another man's fiction

Faith Healing: Not Just for People

It's not taken in vain if you misspell it

Redacted Like a New Testament Manuscript

Well, the silly cause Say NO to the removal of GOD and the American Flag at public & National Ceremonies! has removed a lot of my hard-hitting, insightful comments. Good thing I'm egotistical enough to have taken screen shots of a lot of them.

Lookie, They added a new post! And who has the honor of placing the first comment? Why it's yours truly:

Are United States Our in Trouble

Yawn

If I hear the US was founded on Christian principles one more time, I'm going to take a nap.

Ultamit Sacrafice

When in doubt, pledge!

Before:

After:

U to Appaled? Then coreect her traidion.

Oh by the way, most of these are coming from here.

There's Just One Small Problem

Speaking of Pascal's Wager

Here's a good response to that tiresome wager, from Carrie Poppy (then Carrie Snider):

Oh no! But I heard there's a God bigger and better than the God of the Bible, who has a Hell that's hotter than yours and an eternity that's longer. And He said he'd send me to Hell if I do believe in Him! And His punishment is worse. Therefore, I, by necessity must selfishly save myself (as you are doing) by choosing not to believe. But thank you for supporting my logic. I thought I was the only one.

All the same, the man still has one hell of a triangle.

April Fools!

God County Scool Bord

i like i say you like to

True American

QOTD: Silverman's Wager

Herb Silverman makes Blaise almost Blasé. At least I think so. In his book Candidate Without a Prayer, Silverman provides a logical and succinct refutation of Pascal's Wager, and it leads to Silverman's Wager (last part of the quote):

"Can we please just
talk about my triangle?"

[Pascal and I] have had two common interests: mathematics, which led to our mutual profession, and theology, which led to our wagers. Though a Christian, Pascal was also a doubter. In Number 233 of his Pensées he says, “If there is a God, He is infinitely incomprehensible, since, having neither parts nor limits, He has no affinity to us. We are then incapable of knowing either what He is or if He is.” Pascal later added, “Reason can decide nothing here.” He then concluded, in his now-famous wager, that belief in God was the only rational choice to make. 

Pascal’s Wager: If God does not exist, we lose nothing by believing in him; while if he does exist, we lose everything by not believing.

Prayer, It's Like Talking to a Brick Wall

I'm kind of proud of this meme.

QOTD: You Must Be Born Again (Read Before Crawling Back Into Your Mother's Womb)

Did you know that the term "born again" in the gospel of John comes from a passage that loses its meaning when translated from Greek (the original language of John) to Aramaic (the language Jesus spoke)?

In the Gospel of John, chapter 3, Jesus has a famous conversation with Nicodemus in which he says, “You must be born again.” The Greek word translated “again” actually has two meanings: it can mean not only “a second time” but also “from above.”

Whenever it is used elsewhere in John, it means “from above” (John 19:11, 23). That is what Jesus appears to mean in John 3 when he speaks with Nicodemus: a person must be born from above in order to have eternal life in heaven above.

Nicodemus misunderstands, though, and thinks Jesus intends the other meaning of the word, that he has to be born a second time. “How can I crawl back into my mother’s womb?” he asks, out of some frustration. Jesus corrects him: he is not talking about a second physical birth, but a heavenly birth, from above.

This conversation with Nicodemus is predicated on the circumstance that a certain Greek word has two meanings (a double entendre). Absent the double entendre, the conversation makes little sense.

The problem is this: Jesus and this Jewish leader in Jerusalem would not have been speaking Greek, but Aramaic. But the Aramaic word for “from above” does not also mean “second time.” This is a double entendre that works only in Greek. So it looks as though this conversation could not have happened—at least not as it is described in the Gospel of John.*

*Ehrman, Bart D. (2009-02-20). Jesus, Interrupted: Revealing the Hidden Contradictions in the Bible (And Why We Don't Know About Them) (p. 155). HarperCollins e-books. Kindle Edition.

I Baptize You With Bad Photoshop

Before cooking, marinate in goat butter overnight.

Mark 2:1-12, You're Sick Because You've Sinned

When Jesus returned to Capernaum after a few days, he told the disciples to leak the news that he was home. And it worked. So many people gathered around his home that there was no longer any room, not even in front of the door. That's because Jesus was speaking the word to them. Something about the kingdom, yadda, yadda. What he was saying wasn't important, but what happened is very important.

Abe and Andy

That's my head, circa 1962. Slick editing, huh?

Was the Apostle Paul Gay?

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but could it be that the apostle Paul was gay? If he was, can you imagine how much he would have struggled with it? We may know better; however, like other Jews and Christians of his time, I'm sure Paul thought there was plenty wrong with it.

Now then, it's therefore our duty to take a closer look and to employ cherry picking and the argument from ignorance in order to finally settle the long debated controversy and find Paul guilty of being fabulous.

Evangelism 101

This was in a documentary I watched a few months ago. I don't remember which one. It was comparing evangelism to marketing. I redlined it just to make it clear in the screenshot.