The Passion of Zombie Jesus

You gotta love the Gospel of John. Check out John 6:54-70.

So Jesus said to them, "Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood have eternal life, and I will raise them up on the last day; for my flesh is true food and my blood is true drink."

You can imagine this would be a bit hard to...ahem...swallow.

"Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood abide in me, and I in them. Just as the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever eats me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like that which your ancestors ate, and they died. But the one who eats this bread will live forever."

For eternal life, you have to eat Jesus's flesh. I thought it was faith that got you eternal life. Then again, it would take a lot of faith to eat flesh.

Genesis 5:1-32, Elderly Virgins

(Featuring images from The Brick Testament.)

You're in luck! This is an enthralling list of the descendants of Adam - Seth Edition!

When God created mankind, he made them in the likeness of...well...of God. He made males and females and blessed them and named them Mankind, because he knew naming them Uniqua would look bad on their resumés.

When Adam was 130, he could still get it up and so became the father of a son in his likeness, according to his image. And by the transitive property of likenesses, Adam's son was in God's likeness, too. Except of course God doesn't have a penis. Why would he? God doesn't fuck things. God fucks things up.

Anyway, Adam named his son Seth, which means Able Abel Replacement. Adam went on to have more sons and daughters after that.

Adam lived to be 930 years old. And then he died. Finally. From eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It was a slow poison.

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Acts 3:15-16, The Nosy Big-Nose

Peter keeps on keepin’ on...

And so you Jews killed the Author of Life,^a whom God raised from the dead. You. You Jews.

To this we are witnesses. Not to the killing part, because...well, when the shit was going down we got the hell out of Heebee Town, if you know what I mean. But! We are witnesses to his resurrection.

Better keep listening. Might be a bit about blessed are the big-noses.

And one of the Israelites interrupted Peter and said, “So, you didn’t see Jesus die, but you saw God raise him up?"

Warning Label for Medicinal Prayer

WARNING

Children, teenagers, young adults, and a small number of older adults beginning a medicinal prayer regimen may initially experience doubt and confusion as to its effectiveness. In most cases, these symptoms disappear over time and are replaced with either discontinued use, or a total confidence in effectiveness regardless of even significant contrary indications. If prayers persist for more than four hours, consult a mental health professional. Prayer vs. Medicine. Prayer is not a replacement for medicine. Tell your doctor if you are taking any medicine, i.e., medication or treatment with non-zero efficacy. Medications are distinguished from prayer as follows. Medicines are made of matter, exhibit a positive, non-zero efficacy in clinical trials, are FDA approved, and are not chiefly promoted by television episodes greater than 60 seconds in length (infomercials, church services, etc.). Examples of effective medicines and treatments include over-the-counter and prescription medicines (except for homeopathic medicines), physical therapy (except for acupuncture, holistic touch therapy, laying on of hands, etc.), and counseling by a qualified professional (as opposed to a preacher or a psychic, or a family member who seeks counseling from a preacher or a psychic). Prayer vs. Homeopathy. Common sense trials indicate prayer is as safe and effective as homeopathy, regardless of symptoms, condition, or specific pathology. In fact, specific prayers and homeopathic remedies may be freely exchanged without any change in overall efficacy. For example, one study showed that there was no detectable difference in the effectiveness of praying to be cured of a headache, taking a homeopathic pain reliever for a headache, or doing nothing at all for a headache. (Data was corrected for self-delusion, wishful thinking, and real things.) If you are currently either medicinally praying or taking homeopathic remedies, do not tell your doctor. Doctors are busy people. If your doctor recommends either prayer or homeopathic remedies, see a doctor.

Acts 3:12-14, Peter Blames the Jews Again

Peter continues addressing the crowd...

Do you think that by our own magic or piety we made this little cripple walk? We didn’t make him walk. You made him walk! Yes, you! You kikes, you Heebees, you hook-noses, you Red Sea pedestrians!

How did you heal this crippled man? You killed Jesus, that's how. You fucked up. You fucked up exactly according to God’s plan.

Oh yes, I went there. God. That God. The Head Heebee.

I don't mean the swear-word God as in “God! Lepers are nasty!” I’m talking about the God of Abraham.^a The God of Jacob.^b The God of our ancestors. Perhaps you’ve read about him?

Well, this God of ours has glorified his servant Jesus, whom you rejected and handed over to Pilate. But Pilate - who is known not to give a shit about blasphemy - decided to release Jesus.

Acts 3:11-12, Jeez-O-Matic

While the not-lame-anymore man clung to Peter and John, a crowd gathered around them in the portico called Solomon's Portico. All the people were utterly giddy with laughter. Truly they thought the poor crippled man would be begging and acting lame forever. But he wasn’t a poor crippled man anymore. He was just poor. And that was hilarious.

When Peter saw the crowd’s reaction, he seized the opportunity for one of his ever-so-Greek-like speeches.

And Peter addressed the crowd:

Israelites! I did not come here tonight to make you laugh. I came here to sell you something. And I want you to pay particular attention, because The Amazing Jesus, a subsidiary of You Thought You Knew Me Deities has entrusted who? Me! To show you!...The handiest and dandiest healing tool you’ve ever seen!

And don’t you want to know how it works?

Yet Another Ten Commandments

I was poking around in Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary when I ran across this delightful version of the Ten Commandments:

Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.

No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.

Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.

Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.

Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.

Kill not, abet not those who kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.

Bear not false witness—that is low—
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."

Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

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Genesis 4:16-26, Incest Was Best

Once the Lord finished cursing Cain to wander forever, Cain went and settled in the land of Nod. Located east of Eden, Nod was near Winkin’ and Blinkin’.

Cain took his sister for his wife, and he knew her. And Cain’s wife conceived and bore Enoch, which means Congenital Birth Defect. And Cain built a city and named it Enoch because he felt bad for his freak son and wanted to do something nice.

To Enoch was born Irad, which means My Father’s a Freak. And Irad was the father of Mehujael, who was the father of Methushael, who was the father of Lamech.

Lamech took two wives because he thought to himself what the fuck. One wife was named Adah, which means No Oral, and the other wife was named Zillah, which means Monster.

I want that!

This image is one of the Bible covers by Jim LePage, artist and graphic designer.

Check out his site.

Acts of the Apostles Bible Cover

Acts 3:1-10, Peter Heals a Lame Man

One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, which is three o'clock in the afternoon.^a

Just then a man who claimed to be lame from birth was being carried in. Every day, people would lay the man at the gate of the temple called the Beautiful Gate so that he could ask for alms from those who were coming and going.^b

When the lame man saw Peter and John about to go into the temple, he asked them for alms. Peter stopped and gave the man a deep, dark stare. John caught on and stared at him, too. Then, in a low smokey voice, Peter said "Loook aat uuus."

:-(

Jesus Prime

He's alive!! What? Uh, no. He's not here. See, he's been taken up! Why? Well, I'll get back to you.

I watched Transformers 2 last night. In the end there were two "death, resurrection, save-the-world" instances - one each for Sam Witwicky and Optimus Prime. It's a common pattern in sci-fi-ish action/adventure movies. I can name a few others right off the bat: Iron Giant, Harry Potter, E.T., and (of course) the Lion in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

(Mustafa in The Lion King and Darth Vader are close, but they don't physically resurrect and they just go on to kind of root for their team.)

"It's been an honor serving with you all."

Acts 2:38-47, Pentecost Ends, “Huge Success”

Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ so your sins may be forgiven and you will receive the gift of a Holy Spirit.^a,b For the promise is for you, your children, and for all who are far away for the next two thousand years, because certainly that will have been long enough.”

And he testified with many other arguments - such as What if I’m Right?, Pinky Swear, and Hell is Really Hot - exhorting them, saying, "Save yourselves from this corrupt generation,” and that was a big hit.

So those who welcomed Peter’s message were baptized, and that day about three thousand persons were added, which really is a shitload of baptisms if you think about it. Then again, what else were they gonna do all day, watch Dancing With the Prophets?