Friday, September 16, 2011

Genesis 2:18-25, Flesh of My Flesh

Eve from Adam's rib
"Hubba, hubba! I should
have made just you!"

Then Yahweh said, “I cannot be everywhere at once, and I cannot leave the man by himself. I will make him a helper as his partner.”a

So out of the ground Yahweh formed every animal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man because he promised the man that he could name them. The man gave names to all cattle, birds of the air, and every animal of the field. He named the cow and the horse, and the dung beetle and the aptostichus stephencolberti, and he named the elephant and the robin. And the man also named the oedipina complex and the strigiphilus garylarsoni.

Whatever the man called almost every living creature, that was its name. But Yahweh said the dodo will not be called dildo. Because of this the man was greatly upset, so Yahweh gave the man some ice cream and even let him name the shih tzu.

But for the man there was not found a helper as his partner. The man thought of the sheep, but the sheep was more partner than helper. Yea, the animals made the man’s workload even greater. They roamed freely in and out of the garden, and trampled the plants, and they ate all they beheld. The poodles needed to be taken out of the garden many times a day, even when they had just gone and had their chance.

And a serpent climbed into the tree of knowledge of good and evil and ate of its fruit. He also ate of the tree of not crawling on the belly, and of the tree of how to talk to women.

Yahweh wanted to make a partner for the man, so he talked about himself until the man fell into a deep sleep. Then Yahweh took one of the man’s 20 and 5 ribs and closed up its place with extra flesh he got by ripping the foreskin from the man's penis. And the rib Yahweh had taken from the man he made into a woman with 20 and 4 ribs and brought her to the man.

Adam and Eve Naked and Labeled
Click to enlarge
your naughty bits

And lo, the woman looked very much like the man. Indeed, very much. They both had 20 and 4 ribs, and they had the same color of eyes and the same color of hair and the same features of the face and torso and limbs and also they both had a shiny penis, though the woman’s penis still had its fleshy foreskin. So Yahweh shaped the woman’s Y chromosome into an X chromosome and behold, the woman’s shiny penis fell into her body and became a hairy pee hole with a tiny hole-less penis near the front, tucked in the fleshy folds that were once her foreskin.

And if you took the woman to a nice seed-bearing fruit tree for dinner, she would sometimes let you pull back her fleshy folds and behold her tiny hole-less penis. But yea, do not believe that she owes you this pleasure just for a couple of nice apples.

So then the man said,

This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,
And she shall be called Woman.
For out of Man she was taken,
And mankind shall evermore put his bone into her flesh.

Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother, and as he once clung only to his hand he now clings to his wife and they become one flesh. But yea, he still clings to his hand, and he clings to it even more than before.b

a. Or helper with benefits.
b. And marriage was encouraged by Yahweh until such a time as the Apostle Paul convinced him otherwise.

Adam names the animals
Adam Chooses Mate
Nervous Sheep Finishes 2nd Behind Eve