In the first book, Murdochilusa, I wrote about Jesus and all the things they say he did and taught - and then some - from the very beginning until the day when they say he took himself up to heaven by the seat of his robe. Before he left, Jesus made some appearances so as to prove he was alive, which turned out to be way easier than he or God had anticipated. Also, Jesus spent more time teaching his idiot apostles yet again how to use their Holy Spiritsb, which as always was more difficult than it should have been.
On Holy Spirits. Everyone who believes in Jesus is possessed by a Holy Spirit. These spirits are kind of like your thoughts, but they're not your thoughts. They're thoughts God put in you. Whatever you know to be righteous and good, you know because God spoke to you through your Holy Spirit. It's as if you're thinking God’s thoughts. This means that your beliefs are impressed upon you by your Holy Spirit, leaving you free and blameless to proclaim everything with unquestionable authority. Your beliefs aren't things you think. They're things you know. When you’re thinking, that’s just you. When you're not thinking, that’s God.
After his suffering, which was a bitch if you’ve seen The Passion of the Christ, Jesus made it clear that he was alive by many convincing proofs. He rattled old bones. He rearranged chairs when no one was in the room. He made noises that sounded like far off livestock, or birds, or voices. And he gave the apostles the feeling that he was still with them. How do you explain that?
Fear not, for I am with
“Proofs” are not “signs,” by the way. There’s a big difference. Proofs are OK, signs are not. When asked, Jesus always said he would not give the people a sign. That is, of course, "other than the sign of Jonah," which was Jesus-speak meaning that his preaching alone is so good and so motivating that there’s no acceptable excuse to not believe and be saved from eternal damnation.
Oh, and he did a bunch of signs in the Legend of John, too.
Anyway, Jesus also physically appeared to the apostles. One time he took the form of a man and met some of them on their way to Emmaus. They didn’t recognize him. Not at first. Later, after thinking about it for a while, they used their Holy Spirits to realize that the man must have been the risen Jesus. Besides, this man was different. He was kind of interesting. Certainly, he was wise. At least he was wiser than they were. He even called the them foolish and slow of heart. Who does that sound like to you?
After Jesus had been mooching off the apostles for several days, they began to wonder when he would move out, or at least get a job, or maybe ascend or something. Staying in Jerusalem wasn't cheap, and clever parables don't pay the bills.
So while Jesus was still with the apostles, he ordered them not to leave Jerusalem, but to wait there for "the promise of the Father." Come to think of it, maybe it wasn’t Jerusalem. Maybe they were in Galilee. Wait... No. My Holy Spirit says it was Jerusalem. Besides, it’s way easier that way.
|Jesus Christ, Master of Disguise|
"This," Jesus told them, "is what you have heard from me; for John baptized with water, but you will be baptized with Holy Spirits not many days from now. And what is it with everyone and John the Baptist, anyway? I’m ten times the prophet that headless illiterate ever was. Did John come back to life? Nooo. Did he die for your sins? Probably not."
So when everyone was together, they asked him, "Lord, is this the time when you will restore the kingdom to Israel?" He replied, "Really? We're going to talk about this now? It is not for you mouth-breathers to know the times or periods that the Father has set by his own authority. What’s the freaking rush? Don’t you want to spend the rest of your days telling people about me and getting stoned and crucified?"
Then Jesus added, "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirits have come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and - what the hell, I’m in a good mood - and to the ends of the earth. You can even preach to the Gentiles. God knows I wouldn't. I'll leave the details up to you. Don't fuck it up."
When he had said this, as they were watching, Jesus lifted himself up, just like the Lorax, and a cloud took him out of their sight. Yeah. A cloud.
a. Thought to be Rupert Murdochilus, a conservative second century mogul known for publishing trashy codexes with false prophecies, wars, and rumors of wars.
b. Or Holy Opinions
And I'll never forget the grim look on his face
When he heisted himself and took leave of this place