Thursday, September 15, 2011

Genesis 2:10-17, Useless Geography and a Threat

Borrowing from the traditions of other gods, Yahweh made a river flow out of Eden to water the garden. From the garden, it divides and becomes four rivers. The first river, Pishon, flows around the land of Havilah, where there is gold.a And this gold is the good shit, too. Also, bdellium and onyx stone are there, and they’re also good, probably. The name of the second river is Gihon, and it flows around the whole land of Cush, which must be important. The third river is Tigris, which flows east of Assyria, and the fourth river is the Euphrates.b

Map of Eden
This is what Jesus drew in the ground that dayc

The man must have wandered away, for Yahweh again took him and put him in the garden of Eden. Yahweh made the man till the gardend and also pick up cigarette butts. And Yahweh commanded the man, “If you get hungry, help yourself to eat from any tree in the garden, except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If I catch you eating from that tree, I shall kill you."e

And the man said, “Okay."f

Latino gardener
Modern day

a. Some authorities add surprise, surprise.
b. After the fall, the Gihon river moved to Jerusalem. The land of Cush fled and was last seen playing Oz in an off Broadway musical. The land of Havilah gambled all its riches away on false prophets and spent the next few years supporting its cocaine habit giving blow jobs to Arabian myrrh traders, one of which strangled Havilah to death. With Havilah gone, the Pishon river flowed away and settled down with a dry lake bed in California.
c. See the interpolation added later to the original legend of Jesus according to the anonymous writer falsely asserted to be John. Specifically, John 7:53-8:11. Better yet, just read this.
d. Primary source for the "Latino Adam" theory.
e. Or I shall kill you when your years are 930.
f. Some authorities have ¿quĂ©?