Monday, September 5, 2011

Genesis 1:9-13, The Third Day

Fruit with seeds
Probably not forbidden

Then God said, "Let's have the waters under the sky move over a little. Now let the dry land appear." And land was created. God called the land Pangaea and the moved-over waters he called the Seas.

Then God said, "Okay, let's go ahead and have the earth put forth some vegetation. Let's go with plants that yield seeds, oh and fruit trees of every kind that bear fruit with seeds inside, too." Only God could possibly know every kind of fruit tree there was even before there was any kind of fruit tree. And only God could be so godly clear about what made a fruit tree a fruit tree. A fruit tree is a tree that bears fruit. What's a fruit? A fruit is something that grows on a fruit tree. And a fruit has seeds.

A fruit has seeds. It's right here in God's word. Seedless fruits are unnatural. Other than God, unnatural things are an abomination. So seedless fruits are an abomination. They're every bit as much of an abomination as long hair on men, short hair on women, uncircumcised dicks, and sodomy. So if you're thinking of eating an unholy naval orange, you may as well shove it up your ass.

Marijuana Plants
Not fruit, but probably forbidden anyway

With the word, the dry land put forth plants and fruit trees of every kind. God didn't create the plants and fruit trees directly. He created dry land that could make plants and fruit trees. So Pangaea was kind of like a lady. And the vegetation was kind of like her babies.

And do you know what God saw? You're goddamned right you do. God saw that it was good.

And there was evening and there was morning again. Day three was in the books.

And God didn't really call the land Pangaea. He called it Earth. I was just fucking with you.