Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Acts 3:1-10, Peter Heals a Lame Man

One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the hour of prayer, which is three o'clock in the afternoon.a

Just then a man who claimed to be lame from birth was being carried in. Every day, people would lay the man at the gate of the temple called the Beautiful Gate so that he could ask for alms from those who were coming and going.b

When the lame man saw Peter and John about to go into the temple, he asked them for alms. Peter stopped and gave the man a deep, dark stare. John caught on and stared at him, too. Then, in a low smokey voice, Peter said "Loook aat uuus."

Peter heals lame man
"Nothing up my sleeves!"

Everyone fell quiet and gazed in wonder at the mysterious Peter and John. The lame man looked too, but only in order to weigh his chances for a shekel or two.

Peter said to the man, "I have no silver or gold, but I’ll give you something better than money.c Ready? Heeeere goes...In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, stand up and walk! Holy Spirit powers...activate!"

But the lame man said, “Yeah, yeah, but what are you going to give me?”

Peter grabbed the man by the hand, jerked him up real close, and growled “Look, just dance around and praise God a little bit. If you do, I’ll give you enough money to buy a goat bladder of that shitty wine I smell on your breath. If you don’t, I’ll cut your fucking ear off. I ran with Jesus, you shitty little man.”

Peter heals the crippled man
Is that one guy Jesus? He's such a buttinski.

Peter threw the shitty little man to the ground, and then a miracle happened! The man’s feet and ankles were suddenly strong!

He hopped up and began to dance around like a goddamned fool. He pranced in and out of the crowd, teasing them as they entered the temple. He snuck up from behind some of them, tapped them on the shoulder, and then acted like Peter did it. He also made rabbit ear fingers behind some of their pious little heads.

Peter glared at the man as if to say, “Don’t overdo it, you idiot.”

Peter and John hurried off to get away from the man, but he noticed and followed them into the temple. He was still prancing, leaping, praising God, and generally making a fool out of all three of them.

Everyone saw the man dancing around and praising God, and they recognized him as the one who used to sit and beg for alms at the Beautiful Gate.

And one of the priests whispered to another, “I knew that little fucker was faking it.”

But everyone else was filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to the lame man because...well...frankly, they were a bunch of idiots.

a. See how I noted the time of the hour of prayer? Christians say that proves my story is historical.

On the other hand, historians say this really means I may not be a Jew, and I may not have been writing to Jews. Jews would know when the hour of prayer was.

Do you want to know the truth? For one, I certainly am not a Jew. I don’t even live near Jerusalem. Besides, the temple was destroyed ages ago. All I’m trying to do is make it look like I wrote this back when it was still standing, you know?

I wanted to sound like I lived back then. I wanted to make my story seem authentic. So I thought it best to include the time of the hour of prayer. It’s a nice little detail that any apologist can spoon feed their sheeple.

b. Beautiful Gate. Another nice little touch of history, huh? I sound so legit.

c. Didn’t the apostles recently wrest control of the total net worth of three thousand believers?