Monday, January 9, 2012

Genesis 4:16-26, Incest Was Best

Once the Lord finished cursing Cain to wander forever, Cain went and settled in the land of Nod. Located east of Eden, Nod was near Winkin’ and Blinkin’.

Cain took his sister for his wife, and he knew her. And Cain’s wife conceived and bore Enoch, which means Congenital Birth Defect. And Cain built a city and named it Enoch because he felt bad for his son and wanted to do something nice for the little freak.

To Enoch was born Irad, which means My Father’s a Freak. And Irad was the father of Mehujael, who was the father of Methushael, who was the father of Lamech.

Lamech took two wives because he thought to himself what the fuck. One wife was named Adah, which means No Oral, and the other wife was named Zillah, which means Monster.

Adah bore Jabal. He was the ancestor of those who live in tents and have livestock. Jabal’s descendants invented cow tipping.

Jabal’s brother was Jubal. He was the ancestor of all those who play the lyre and pipe. They were the first to discover opiates.

Zillah bore Tubal-cain, who made all kinds of bronze and iron tools which were used to make all kinds of bronze and iron tools.

The sister of Tubal-cain was Naamah, which is not important.

One day, a young man hit Lamech and so Lamech killed him because he thought to himself what the fuck. Then Lamech said to his wives:

Adah and Zillah, listen!
I killed a man for wounding me.
If Cain is avenged sevenfold,
Truly I shall be avenged seventy-sevenfold.

And Adah said unto Zillah, “Lamech doth think much of himself.”

And Zillah replied, “Now that he gets monster head, he does.”

Adam knew his wife again, and she bore a son and named him Seth, which means Able Abel Replacement.

And Adam’s wife said, "God has replaced Abel, because Cain killed him."

And Adam said, “Uh, yeah. We all know that. Can we bury Abel now? He’s freaking me out.”

Seth knew one of his sisters and had a son and named him Enosh. And Enosh called Adam Papaw and he called Eve Mamaw, but when Enosh became a man he didn’t call them anything. Nor did he bother to write.

At that time it started getting popular to invoke the name of the Lord, saying to one another goddamnit, oh my god, what is that ungodly smell, and god you’re huge.