Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Acts 4:1-4, Gornisht Helfn

While Peter and John - okay, mostly Peter - were still laying down their half-kosher Jesus-spiel, the priests, the captain of the temple, and those goddamn Sadducees showed up. And they were pissed. How dare these shlemiels shlep into their hizzle-justa-bissel and peddle that shmaltzy "resurrection in Jesus" shmutz-izzle? Oy vey.

Besides, if there's one thing that pisses off a Sadducee, it's when schmucks start kibbitzing all that "resurrection" goat shit. 

Peter and John in Jail
Cut out Peter and John and arrest them.

So they arrested Peter and John and locked them up until the next day. It was getting late and they were all like "We're not about to shlep through camel caca in the dark because a couple of Galilean hillbillies made us work late." 

In the cell, Peter looked at John and said, "I guess we missed the hour of prayer."

"Shut up, Peter." said John, "For once in your life, please, just shut the fuck up."

However! Many of those who heard the word that day believed! About five thousand of them did. Yeah, five thousand. That's believable, right? Five thousand?

Let's see...

Peter gets a con man to stop acting lame and then goes into this spiel about his audience murdering some raving maven most of them had never even heard of and that this guy came back to life and then flew away and if you don't get on board with his schmitzig...then your tuches is gonna be fucking gornisht helfn.

Yeah, I guess five thousand new believers sounds about right. Just in case, I'll check with my Holy Spirit....Yep. Five thousand. Or was that bupkes?

Put a bow on that scroll, goy boy.