Monday, November 5, 2012

Republicans I Like, I Think

If I had a regular reader, he or she might ask me "Why is it, Andy, that you're writing about politics in your anti-theist blog?" That's a good question, and the answer is because fuck you, that's why.


Today, I found myself feeling bad for Republican Steve Schmidt. Why? Because today, ThinkProgress posted an article titled McCain Strategist Admits Voter Fraud 'Doesn't Really Exist.' That McCain strategist is Steve Schmidt, and I'm betting that he's not exactly one of the darlings of today's Far Right Evangelical Teabag Testicle Republican party. And the ThinkProgress article, albeit very short and basically just quoting Schmidt, isn't going to help. Not that that's a bad thing, mind you, but those ball-dippers have a way of harassing, eating, and decimating other conservatives who aren't playing ball juuuuust exactly according to script(ure).

But that's not why I felt bad for Steve Schmidt. I felt bad for him because ThinkProgress says he "admits" there's no real voter fraud. (By the way, I'm pretty sure they only mean that one kind of voter fraud where someone fraudulently impersonates a valid voter in person come election time. They don't mean all those other kinds of voter fraud that actually happen and can actually make a difference.) I don't like that ThinkProgress uses the word "admit." They make it sound like Schmidt finally came clean or something. Sure, most of the Republican party probably thinks voter impersonation fraud is rampant (the ball gaggers) or at least politically expedient (the rest of the party), but there are, in fact, a few Republicans who aren't crazy. Or at least one or two.

Of course Schmidt thinks voter impersonation fraud is virtually non-existent. Why? Because he's not crazy. In fact, he's one of the few Republicans I like. And by "few," I think I mean "two." Of course, it's not like I like Schmidt because of his politics. But I do like him because of his character. At least the character that comes across on TV when he's surrounded by MSNBC's cadre of liberals like Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, Ed Schultz, Chris Hayes, etc. And I like the way he smiles while MSNBC's Ed Schultz goes off on some liberal rant (that I usually agree with, or want to agree with) right in front of him. By the way, I also like that Schultz can even rant like that right there in front of Smilin' Steve Schmidt. It's kind of uncomfortably cool.

Oh, and I also like the character of the Steve Schmidt character in that HBO movie when he told off the character-lacking Sarah Palin character. That was awesome. I gotta get HBO.

Anyway, I got to thinking, who is that other Republican that I think I might like? Let's see…

  • John McCain? No, he's off my list. He ejected his self-respect in 2010. The poor man is in a continuous battle trying to out crazy the crazies. And besides, McCain (and not Schmidt) is ultimately responsible for Sarah Palin. You betcha.
  • Michelle Bachman? Ba ha ha ha ha!! I'm just fucking with you. (Then again, she *is* in a gay marriage.)
  • Chris Christie? He's OK when he's "Jersey," but I know my Christie crush won't even last as long as his already fading bromance with Barry, that dreamy guy who has his own helicopter.
  • Colin Powell? Yeah, like he's really a Republican.
  • Michael Steele? That's it! Michael Steele! I can stomach Michael Steele! Sometimes. Or at least one time I did. I think he said something recently that wasn't crazy. Anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for him.

By the way, John Sununu will tell you that I (kind of) like Michael Steele because we're both black. (Joke's on you, John. We're not black! At least I'm not. You'll have to ask Steele if he is.) On the other hand, Ann Coulter will tell you that I (kind of) like Michael Steele because I feel guilty about my inner racist. She's right. That is, she's right, if by "my inner racist," she means "she herself is a psychopath whose lips flap in the breeze causing crazy to flee from her throat." If not, then she's wrong.

So that's it. I think I like Republicans Steve Schmidt and Michael Steele. Probably.

I bet the intellectual giants affectionately known as Far Right Nut Baggers (or whatever) don't like Schmidt or Steele because they're both substantive conservative pundits (translation: token Republicans) on that evil, elite, intellectual MSNBC channel (except for the shows Prison and Lockup).

Back to Steve Schmidt. Nice guy, but I'll never forgive Schmidt for his part in bringing us Sarah Palin. (WTF, Steve?). Then again, Game Change is an awesome movie, I'll bet.