Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Comfort in Ass Kissing

Hank's Ass
Hank's Ass

When I was a child, I believed in Hank. So naturally I kissed his ass, because I knew that one day Hank would give me a million dollars. Just for kissing his ass. Made sense to me. Mom kissed Hank's ass. Everyone at church kissed Hank's ass. What did I have to lose? Even if there was no Hank, I figured it better to kiss his ass just in case. Besides, isn't it comforting to believe that one day you'll have a million dollars?

But I worried about my dad. You see, Dad didn't kiss Hank's ass, and that scared me. As much as I could tell, I think he believed there was a Hank. But Dad sure wasn't kissing no ass. I loved my dad, and I wanted him to have a million dollars. If Dad didn't learn to kiss Hank's ass, then when his time was up, not only would he not get a million dollars, but Hank was gonna beat the shit out of Dad.

That's the down-side of not kissing Hank's ass. He beats the shit out of you.

Day after day, I prayed and I cried. And I cried and I prayed. I wanted Hank to save Dad. I wanted Dad to kiss Hank's ass. Before it was too late.

That was a long time ago whine I was a child. When the time came to admit Hank wasn't real, it was difficult. Especially because if, by some remote chance, Hank was real, then he was going to beat the shit out of me.

Hanklings are so quick to say, "What if Hank is real? How can you risk not kissing his ass? What have you got to lose, other than getting the shit beat out of you?"

However, as an adult, I started paying attention; I started thinking. You know what? I never experienced any comfort in kissing Hank's ass. For one thing, I was kissing an ass. But also, what if I wasn't kissing it right? Does Hank think I'm sincerely kissing his ass? Does he believe that I believe? Does he think I'm being genuine? When my time comes, will Hank give me a million dollars? Or will he beat the shit out of me?

There's another reason I couldn't find comfort kissing Frank's ass: When I was young, I really believed. I believed the whole silly ass-kissing story with all of my heart. So, how did I expect to ever find comfort when the whole time I was freaked out about losing my dad?

One day I'll be gone. Just gone. So if you're a Hankling, and if you believe Hank's going to beat the shit out of me for not kissing his ass, then maybe you should take a closer look at why you believe all that Hankology in the first place. Is it that - just in case - you don't want Hank to beat the shit out of you?

If someone beat the shit out of your mom, or your dad, or one of your children, would you kiss their ass? Just so they don't beat the shit out of you next?

And oh-by-the-way, if you're an ass kisser, don't tell me that I freely choose to get the shit beat out of me. If that's what you think, then you can kiss my ass, Hankling.

If I thought Hank was real, and if I believed he beat the shit out of my dad, how could I possibly go on kissing his ass? Am I to pretend that he never beat the shit out of my dad?

It's time to put away childish things.

"Try not to think about it too much, that's how Atheists are made."
~Stan Naspinski

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