Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Acts 2:14-21, Peter's Makeover

Peter Preaching at Pentecost
I got me some crazy shit to tell you!


We pick up where we left off at Pentecost. The believers had just wandered into the streets of Jerusalem, each filled with a Holy Spirit and each adorned with a heavenly tongue of fire on their head. Or in their head. In their mouth? Whatever.

The believers were speaking in the native languages of all the devout “Super Jews” who were gathered there from just about every foreign country the author could come up with.

Peter’s was a truly remarkable Holy Spirit, as he was now bold enough to assume the lead, stand up, and speak out. This was no longer the clueless, impetuous, chickenshit, Christ-denying Peter. This was a bold and eloquent Peter, unafraid to speak even here in Jerusalem, the same city where he and the other disciples had recently scattered and gone into hiding.

Furthermore, this Peter was a master re-interpreter. He may not have been able to read, but he sure could reinterpret those scriptures. And he did it in such a way that you'd think he was talking about a whole new religion.

Did Peter have it in him all along? Had Jesus just been in Peter’s way? No. The only possible explanation is that it was a miracle. Unless, of course, it was just a legend. Or bullshit.


Peter, standing with the eleven, gnawed on his fat new tongue for a moment. Then he raised his voice and addressed the crowd:

"Men of Judea and all who live in Jerusalem, listen up. Why do you wonder at these men? Most of them are not drunk as I suppose you’re supposing. After all, it’s only nine o'clock in the morning. We don’t usually get a real heat going until shortly after noon.

“Let me explain what you are witnessing. This is what the prophet Joel spoke about when he said


"In the last daysa,b it will be, God says, that I will pour out my Spirit upon all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,c and your young men shall see visible things, and your old men shall dream dreams, and others will hear sounds. Even upon my slaves,d both men and women, in those days I will pour out my Spirit; and they shall prophesy.e

"All in all, you're going to be pretty much batshit crazy.

"And I will show signs in the heaven above and on the earth below. Signs that say 'Repent' and signs that say 'God Hates Fags.' But also I will show warning signs like blood. Oh, and fire. And maybe some smoky mist. And I shall call it Ozzfest.

"And the sun shall be turned to darknessf and the moon to bloodg before the coming of the Lord's great and glorious doomsday. But everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved."h

“It’s that easy,” said Peter, “Forget whatever else Joel said.i Forget what John the Baptist and Jesus said, too, like all that crazy follow-the-law, help-the-poor, righteous hoo-ha. Here’s what we’re gonna do for you: If you call on the name of the Lord in the next 20 minutes, you’ll be saved. Yes, it’s that easy! Apostles are standing by.

“But wait! There’s more...

“You will of course need to understand what it is the scriptures really meant, and what name of the Lord you have to call on. Also, you need to understand that if you’re truly saved, you’ll show it by behaving in a certain way. But don't worry, that’s where we come in.

”So get comfortable, ye devout, hellenized, educated Super Jews. I, Peter, a confused and illiterate fisherman from Galilee, have a story to tell you, and it’s gonna blow your mind.”

To be continued. Unfortunately.

US Hunters With Dead Doves
Hunters from the US called in to control Holy Spirits

a. Or last-ish days. Other authorities have last millenniums.
b. The prophet Joel didn’t say last days. Peter used his Holy Spirit to add that part. Or Luke did. Or whoever.
c. Or, make shit up.
d. Oh yes, God has slaves, even unto the last days. Thus sayeth the Word.
e. Or, make shit up.
f. Scientists say the sun will one day burn out. The Bible is scientifically sound!
g. Scientists don’t say the moon will turn to blood. Scientists are wrong.
h. Peter (or Luke, or whoever) uses his Holy Spirit to omit the fact that Joel is referring only to the Jews, and that the saved need to be either in Mount Zion or in Jerusalem.
i. Oh, nothing. Really. Nothing. Well, okay. It's just that Joel also said that God would deal wondrously with his people and they would never again be put to shame, and up until today (the Pentecost tongues-thingy day, according to Peter. Or Luke. Or what-the-fuck ever).

US Hunters With Dead Doves
Nothing says USA like dead doves