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| Adam knows hell out of Eve |
At first, the man thought he knew Eve, but thanks to the good and evil thing, he really knew her now, if you know what I mean.
The man knew Eve any chance he could, and as it is with knowing, Eve conceived and bore a son, Cain, which means "acquired," saying, "I have acquired a tiny little man with the help of the Lord,” for she knew not that the Lord had nothing to do with making Cain. Truly it was because of the man’s incessant knowing her day and night. He knew her so hard.
Yea, the man so liked knowing Eve. He truly, truly liked it. He knew her often. He knew her under the lesser light and he knew her under the greater light when she would let him. And when she would not let him he would know his own hand and imagine that he was knowing her.
And again, as it is with knowing, Eve bore Cain’s brother Abel, which means "vanity."a
Now the family quickly figured out civilized farming and agriculture, and so Abel raised and slaughtered sheep while Cain thought that was gross and instead became a tiller of the ground. "After all," reasoned Cain, "am I not honoring my father by paying the price for his deed? Is this not the Lord’s punishment to man? To forever till the ground until we die?"
In the course of time, Cain, being a farmer and a vegetarian, thought he would make the Lord a nice fruit basket.
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And at the same time Abel, being a shepherd and a nut job, cut some of his finest lambs' throats and tore from them bloody hunks of marbled muscle, and he burned them for the Lord.
And the Lord, being a nut job in his own right, and also a bloodthirsty bipolar demigod, loved Abel’s offering, but he wasn’t that into Cain’s pussy fruit basket.
Cain was angry and he soon became depressed. He gave the best of what he had, and the Lord - who was one to play favorites - thumbed his giant holy bignose at it.
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| Cain slays hell out of Abel |
The Lord said to Cain, "Wipe that look from your face, pussy. If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is lurking at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must master it. In other words, you only have to read my mind. Hint: I love everything about blood. Oh, and burning dead things, too. Man, I love that shit."
And Cain thought, “WTF?”
So Cain resolved to make a better offering to God. He thought about it for a very long time. God liked blood. God liked great sacrifices, too. Cain did not own sheep or any other livestock. How could he show a great, bloody sacrifice?
“I’ve got it!” Cain cried. And he went and said to his brother Abel, "Come, let us go out to the field. No reason."
When they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him. And as he was cutting the meat from Abel’s bones, he heard the Lord coming. So he hid Abel’s body in the bushes and acted natural.
The Lord said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
Cain wanted his bloody Abel-offering to be a surprise, so he smiled sheepishly and said, "I don’t know. Am I my brother's keeper? Go ask Mom."
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a. It really does. (Cain really means "acquisition" too, but who cares?)
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| **Add Caption** |
The two kickass illustrations are from The Book of Genesis, by R. Crumb
