Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Acts 2:22-37, Peter's Case for Christ

Peter continues his speech at Pentecost...

And Peter said unto them,

You that are Israelites, listen to what I have to say. Jesus of Nazareth was a man,a nomsayn? And he was proven to be special to you by deeds of power, wonders, and signs that God did through him, which was pretty nice considering Jesus said you wouldn’t be getting any signs.

Some among you may have heard of Jesus. Who? No, that was John the Baptist. Jesus was kind of like John, only he bathed.

This man Jesus was handed over to you according to God’s plan. You crucified and killed him by the hands of the Romans. So God planned it, the Romans did it, and still it’s all your fault.

"You-ah, that are Israelites-sah, listen to me-ah!"
(It's not really true unless you're confident)

You killed him but God raised him up, having freed him from death, because it was impossible for him to be held in death’s power. So, omnipotent or not, God had no choice but to raise him.

Yea, lo, and hear me out, nomsayn? For David says concerning him,

I saw the Lord always before me, and lo, he is not really before me. He is more like at my right hand so that I will not be afraid and my knees will knock not.

Therefore my heart was glad, my tongue rejoiced, my hips gyrated and my member stiffened.

Moreover my flesh will live in hope and my bone will take my soul and live in faith but my flesh will have rights to visit my soul on weekends and every other Passover.

For you will not abandon my soul to Hades, or let your faithful one be corrupted.

You have made known to me the ways of life. You will make me full of gladness with your presence. Eventually. Right? Right, Lord? Lord?

Fellow Israelites, I’m confident that our ancestor David not only died, but he also was buried and his tomb is with us to this day probably. Somewhere. I mean, he was a Jew, right? Where are Jews buried? See?

Yes, David was a great ruler and a pretty psalm writer, but just imagine this: What if David was also a prophet? If David was a prophet, then we must rethink his words and psalms. And I am about to rethink his words and his psalms, therefore David was a prophet.

Besides, is there anyone among you who can prove David was not a prophet?

David playing the harp
David impresses by playing while looking away

And God pinky swore to David that he would put one of his descendants on his throne. Okay, many of his descendants, but isn’t “one” part of “many”?

Yea, lo, and hear me out, nomsayn? I am telling you that Jesus is that one who is special above all other descendants, and I can prove it like this:

Prove he wasn’t.

That’s right. You can no more prove Jesus was not a descendant of David than you can prove his mother was not a virgin. For only one who fornicated with his mother could testify that she was not a virgin. And so anyone who can prove Jesus was not a descendant of David is one who fornicates with scripture.

Therefore Jesus is the descendant of David by way of his, uh, stepfather, according to the scriptures. Yeah. Anyway, you Jews killed him and his soul fell to Hell, according to God’s wonderful, divine, righteous, and not at all confusing plan.

Yes, when they crucified Jesus, he told the thief next to him that they would be in paradise together that very day, but only because Jesus felt bad for him. They went to Hell, but of course only the thief is there now.

Foreseeing this, David - the prophet, remember? - spoke of the resurrection of the Messiah, saying,

He was not abandoned to Hades, nor was he corrupted.

See what I did there? I went from David's "my" to my “he.” And lo, now even a child can take the final step - to our "Jesus."

That’s how to interpret scriptures, Jew-boys.

Therefore David practically calls Jesus the Messiah by name, and now God has raised him up. To this we are all witnesses. At least as far as you know. Besides, prove he didn’t.

David Sees Bathsheba, Cries My Lord, my Lord!

Where is Jesus now? Good question. I’m glad you asked. No, really. Well sure, we wish he could be here to tell you himself, but truth be known, he’s still kind of pissed about the crucifixion thing.

So for now, Jesus is exalted at the right hand of God, sitting on David’s throne, which God rescued from salvage.

And having received from the Father the promise of the Holy Spirits,b Jesus has poured out this hysteria you see here before you. What more proof do you need? You have the proof of frothing, babbling idiots.

And no, David could not have been talking about himself. David is dead, remember? David did not ascend into the heavens. Jesus ascended into the heavens. David is a pussy who cannot conquer death.

If you still doubt, then explain why David said,

The Lord said to my Lord, sit at my right hand, until I make your enemies your footstool.

Who does “my Lord” sound like to you? See? You never knew, huh? You fucked up real bad, didn’t you?

Therefore let the entire house of Israel know with certainty that God has made him both Lord and Messiah, this Jesus whom you fucking footstools crucified, nomsayn?

Now when they heard this, they were very troubled, for they could tell that Peter and his companions really believed this shit. So, partly in jest and partly in fear, they said to Peter and to the other apostles, "Brothers, we can’t argue with crazy. What should we do?"

a. What did you think he was? A God?
b. Or, Holy Opinions

Pentecostal freakout on floor
Gentleman demonstrates proper technique
to prove Jesus is the Messiah