|Nothing up my sleeves...|
Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ so your sins may be forgiven and you will receive the gift of a Holy Spirit.a,b For the promise is for you, your children, and for all who are far away for the next two thousand years, because certainly that will have been long enough.”
And he testified with many other arguments - such as What if I’m Right?, Pinky Swear, and Hell is Really Hot - exhorting them, saying, "Save yourselves from this corrupt generation,” and that was a big hit.
So those who welcomed Peter’s message were baptized, and that day about three thousand persons were added, which really is a shitload of baptisms if you think about it. Then again, what else were they gonna do all day, watch Dancing With the Prophets?
The believers all devoted themselves to the apostles' teachings, which must have sucked if you recall what a bunch of idiots they were. And they all continued to fellowship, break bread, and conduct séances.
Awe came upon everyone, because many wonders and signs were being done by the apostles, including Shekel Behind Ear, Holy Ghost Rubber Pencil and the always popular I’ve Got Your Big Nose.
They were all together and had everything in common. They each sold their possessions and goods and distributed the proceeds to all, as any had need, provided they were believers and provided they had ponied up as well.
Day by day, as they spent much time together in the temple, they broke bread at their new community owned homes, and they ate their community owned food with glad and generous hearts - especially the apostles, who were fucking starving by this time. Not only were they unemployed, but they had been staying in Jerusalem for the past two months and their most important member was dead: Judas. He had the common purse.
They all praised God and had the goodwill of the people, singing songs like What the World Needs Now, The Devil Went Down to Georgia, and Jesus Take the Wheel.
And day by day the Lord added to their number by making others freely choose to be saved.
a. Or, Holy Opinion
b. Some authorities add Limit one Holy Spirit per person. Not valid in Samaria. No fat chicks.