Monday, June 4, 2012

Mark 1:1-8, John the Southern Baptist

Remove camel hair clothes
before baptizing
This is about the good news of Jesus Christ, one of God's sons. In fact, ever since the rapings, Jesus was pretty much the Son of God.

As it is written in the prophet Isaiaha, "See, I am sending my messenger ahead of you, who will prepare your way; the voice of one crying out in the wilderness: 'Prepare the way of the Lord, make his paths straight, for the Lord hates a bendy path.'"

And whaddayaknow? Who else but John the Southern Baptist appeared. Well, he didn't exactly appear. But he did just kind of quietly wander out into the wilderness, where he cried "Prepare the way of the Lord. Make his paths straight. Don't be a gay homosexual."

You see, everyone had been going ape shit over the book of Daniel, especially John. John always got all worked up and wildernessy any time someone read Daniel. He loved all those mysterious end-times prophecies, with their abominations and their desolations and what-not. Daniel is the lunatic's best friend, and John the Southern Baptist was a lunatic's lunatic.

So John took to proclaiming about how he could get all your sins forgiven. Something like if you felt really sorry and all, then John could baptize you and you'd be forgiven! No brainer, right? I mean sure, God had already punished mankind once for sinning, but still. If you were around back then, you wouldn't want to not let him baptize you. You know. In case it's true and all.

And so people from the whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem were going out to him, and were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins and feeling superior to others.

John the Southern Baptist ate locusts and wild honey, and even though he spent most of his career wading around in the Jordan river, he wore the latest camel's hair apparel and a leather belt around his waist that said, "I'm not saying I'm Elijah. I'm just asking the question."

So, honestly, who wouldn't follow a kickass schizotypal lunatic like that?

And John proclaimed, "The one who is more powerful than I is coming after me. Get that? I'm the shit and all, but this guy is The Shit. This guy...this guy...well, let's just say I'm not worthy to stoop down and untie the thong of his sandals, but I must admit the very thought of touching his feet does make my locust sack swell. Anyway, I baptized you with water, but this guy's gonna baptize you with your very own Holy Spiritb. Unless, of course, you're a dick hole."

a. Some authorities add by which I mean Isaiah, Malachi, and Pseudo-Moses
b. Or, Holy Opinion