Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Acts 3:15-16, The Nosy Big-Nose

Peter keeps on keepin’ on...

And so you Jews killed the Author of Life,a whom God raised from the dead. You. You Jews.

To this we are witnesses. Not to the killing part, because...well, when the shit was going down we got the hell out of Heebee Town, if you know what I mean. But! We are witnesses to his resurrection.

Life of Brian: Sermon on the Mount
Better keep listening. Might be a bit about blessed are the big-noses.

And one of the Israelites interrupted Peter and said, “So, you didn’t see Jesus die, but you saw God raise him up?"

Nooo," Peter replied, "we didn’t seee God raise him up. God raised him on the third day. We were on our way to the tomb and we just missed him. He did appear to us later, though. One time, Jesus appeared to some of us while we were on the road to Emmaus. I remember it well because he was disguised as a stranger."

“So," said the Israelite, “if you didn’t actually see God raise him up, how do you know God raised him on the third day? Maybe God raised him on the first day or on the second day."

And Peter responded, “It was the third day. On the morning after Passover, okay? Jesus Christ. It’s written or something."b

Then the Israelite added, “And if you didn’t actually see Jesus die, how do you even know he was dead in the first place? Maybe Pilate released Jesus after all. Maybe you assumed Jesus was killed and then raised up, but in truth he was never even dead."

Peter replied, “No, some of the women went and watched them kill Jesus."

“The women weren’t chickenshit like you, huh?" said the Israelite. “So anyway, these women who saw Jesus die...did Jesus appear to them after God raised him from the dead?"

“Of course! We made sure to add that part in!" exclaimed Peter. “Jesus lives!"

Jesus Comes Alive
Do you feel like I do?

“May we see him?" asked the Israelite.

“What?" said Peter.

“May we see Jesus?"

Nooo, you may not seee him." replied Peter, annoyed, “It doesn’t work that way. Now if you don’t mind, I just want to get on with my speech, okay?"

So Peter, miffed as he was, continued...

Where was I? Oh yes...and by faith in his name, his name alone has made this beggar strong. This crazy beggar whom you all see and know. And nothing more than simple faith, through Jesus, has given him this perfect health,c more or less, right in front of...

And right there in mid-sentence Peter stopped and said, “I’m sorry, but that Jew was a pain in the ass. Question after question after question! That just wasn’t cool. You know what? Fuck it. I’m done. If you’re lucky, maybe I’ll finish my speech after lunch. Your loss."

“But you didn’t tell us how Jeez-O-Matic works yet!" someone shouted.

“Piss off." said Peter, “For the love of God, piss off."

a. Some authorities add Hint, hint: Jesus.
b. No it isn’t. But if you desperately want to believe, Hosea 6:2 is about as close as you’re gonna get.
c. Perfect physical health. Not to be confused with perfect mental health or perfect financial health.