Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Genesis 5:1-32, Elderly Virgins

(Featuring images from The Brick Testament.)

You're in luck! This is an enthralling list of the descendants of Adam - Seth Edition!

When God created mankind, he made them in the likeness of...well...of God. He made males and females and blessed them and named them Mankind, because he knew naming them Uniqua would look bad on their resum├ęs.

When Adam was 130, he could still get it up and so became the father of a son in his likeness, according to his image. And by the transitive property of likenesses, Adam's son was in God's likeness, too. Except of course God doesn't have a penis. Why would he? God doesn't fuck things. God fucks things up.

Anyway, Adam named his son Seth, which means Able Abel Replacement. Adam went on to have more sons and daughters after that.

Adam lived to be 930 years old. And then he died. Finally. From eating the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It was a slow poison.

Seth strictly masturbated until he was 105. At that point, he fucked his sister and became the father of Enosh. Seth had other sons and daughters, blah blah blah. Seth lived to be 912. Then he fucking died. Remarkably, Seth never went blind.

Seth Holding Enosh
Uncle/Daddy Seth holds Nephew/Son Enosh

When Enosh was 90, he rolled his wrinkly old body over some sister or cousin of his and he became the father of Kenan. Enosh had other sons and daughters, lived 905 years, and then cashed in his loin cloth.

When Kenan was 70, he had Mahalalel. Kenan then had other children. He was 910 years when he bought the goat farm.

At 65, Mahalalel became the father of Jared. Then guess what? Right! He had other children. Mahalelel lived 890 years before turning back into dirt.

Now Jared could still get it up at age 162, at which point he fathered a son and named him Enoch, which means My Other Father is Cain. After that, Jared kept on fucking and having kids until he was 962 years old. Jared died during a glorious three way with one of his pre-teen daughters and a chicken. So truly Jared fucking died. And died fucking.

When Enoch was 65, he fathered Methuselah. Enoch then had other children and lived to be 365 before he was no more. But Enoch didn't die.

When Enoch was on Earth, he walked with God, who was in heaven. Somehow. Then, just like that, Enoch was no more. God fucking swiped him up. That had to be what happened. Enoch didn't just wander off.

God takes up Enoch
"Hey! I haven't died yet!"

So officially Enoch was the first human to make it to heaven. No, there wasn't a Hell yet. Everyone else just died and became worm food. But not Enoch. Noooo. Enoch was God's little ass-kisser. Bloody favoritism.

Naturally, God doesn't just "take people up" anymore. Just Enoch. Maybe Elijah. When the time comes. That is, if Elijah's story needs a little oomph. Oh yeah, that Jesus guy, but that's like a whole different religion.

Methuselah wasn't fertile until he was 187, when - just like Methushael - he also fathered Lamech. Like the rest, Methuselah went on to have other sons and daughters.

Methuselah died at age 969. Therefore, Methuselah was the oldest man to have ever lived. If another man had lived longer, it would have been written. If any woman had lived longer, a shit would not have been given.

When Lamech was 182, he became the father of Noah, saying of him

Out of the ground that the Lord has cursed
This one shall bring us relief from our work
And from the toil of our hands
Unless God drowns us all

If you're still paying attention, Lamech died when he was 777. He probably had other children after he had Noah. Whatever.

When Noah was 500 years old, he finally figured out where to put his cock. And so Noah became the father of Shem, Ham, and Japheth.

Indeed, God's wonderful plan was progressing quite swimmingly.