Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Passion of Zombie Jesus

You gotta love the Gospel of John. Check out John 6:53-70:

So Jesus said to them, "Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood have eternal life, and I will raise them up on the last day; for my flesh is true food and my blood is true drink."

You can imagine this would be a bit hard to...ahem...swallow.

"Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood abide in me, and I in them. Just as the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever eats me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like that which your ancestors ate, and they died. But the one who eats this bread will live forever."

For eternal life, you have to eat Jesus's flesh. I thought it was faith that got you eternal life. Then again, it would take a lot of faith to eat flesh.

He said these things while he was teaching in the synagogue at Capernaum.a When many of his disciples heard it, they said, "This teaching is difficult; who can accept it?"

I get it, disciples. For one thing, Jesus isn't dead yet and here he is saying you need to eat his flesh and drink his blood. If I were one of the disciples, I'd be confused too.

But Jesus, being aware that his disciples were complaining about it, said to them, "Does this offend you? Then what if you were to see the Son of Man ascending to where he was before? It is the spirit that gives life; the flesh is useless. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life. But among you there are some who do not believe."

See? There's no need to be offended. You can eat his flesh because it's useless. But you have to eat it because it's true and life-giving. That tidies up everything very neatly.

For Jesus knew from the first who were the ones that did not believe, and who was the one that would betray him. And he said, "For this reason I have told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted by the Father."

So much for free will.

Because of this many of his disciples turned back and no longer went about with him.

Well duh.

So Jesus asked the twelve, "Do you also wish to go away?" Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." Jesus answered them, "Did I not choose you, the twelve? Yet one of you is a devil!"

(Pssst, Judas! I think Jesus is talking about you.)

Sounds to me like things were getting pretty silly by the end of the first century. You know what? I don't know who this "John" was, but his Jesus is crazy.

Besides, if Jesus is a zombie, shouldn't he be eating our flesh? Just sayin'.

a. Was there even a synagogue in Capernaum back then?

Clearly, I'm bored...

1:05 He is risen! In other words, Jesus joins the undead.
2:45 Jesus spikes his wine with blood dripping from his hand.
3:30 He doesn't want bread! He wants...silly putty?
3:40 Who's the lamb now, bitch?
4:00 Every good zombie flick needs entrails.
4:30 Jesus raises the people he just killed.
5:10 "Eat of my flesh! Body of Christ!"
5:45 New zombies make short work out of Roman soldier.
6:05 "Remember, Rome was not eaten in a day."